Kage no Kokoro, Yami no Himitsu
by Aeanagwen
Summary: Xellos's thoughts on his travelling companions, slight focus on Zelgadis. Not yaoi.


Kage no Kokoro, Yami no Himitsu All right, feedback is very much appreciated, as this is only my second Slayers fic, and on someone as hard to pin down as Xellos. This is set probably at some point between NEXT and TRY. I've never seen NEXT, but my thoughts on what Xel thinks of Filia could be a fic in and of themselves, so this isn't _that _far into the show. 

This isn't yaoi. It COULD have been, but it isn't. 

The title means Heart of Shadows, Secrets of the Dark. Mazoku=Xellos's race; Ryuzoku=Dragons 

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Kage no Kokoro, Yami no Himitsu 

It is delicious, traveling with them. All of them. One would think their enthusiasm would be sickening, but that's only the surface. They have pain enough within them to keep me sated indeed. 

Lina. The brave sorceress, but even if she so rarely shows fear or hatred, she is always angry, a whirlwind of rage that endangers them as often--or more often--as I do. And, of course, there is her fear of her sister. Rarely have I encountered such raw terror, and never of so distant a threat. 

Gourry. Oh, he seems happy enough, but every so often a hint of his love for Lina shows, and with it the fear that the emotion is unreturned. It festers within him, that fear, unanswered, untended to. Oh, I'm sure it will resolve itself in time. But for now... 

Little Amelia is much the same. For all her speeches about justice, she is seeing too often now how rare true justice is in this world. It tears her apart inside, a conflict born of innocence dying. And of course, there are her feelings for her teacher, which she is so afraid are unrequited. 

Ah, Zelgadis. Even if the others were as happy as they seem, he alone could keep me well-nourished. Fear, rage, hatred, all of it, so strong and sharp and pure... Wonderful. Aching within him endlessly, he stirs my interest more than any of the rest. Not in love, though. As the ryuzoku are so fond of saying, mazoku cannot love. 

That isn't true, of course. We are no more purely evil than they are purely good, although neither of our races would ever admit to that. They are as capable of hate as we are of affection. The difference being that, while they can get away with darker emotions, their hypocrisy, their xenophobia, it is much harder for a mazoku to survive for long if he goes around with positive emotions on public display. Love... It is possible. But it is a weakness, so we do not indulge in it often. And when we do, it usually ends--messily. 

It isn't love that I feel for the chimera, although I don't doubt that I could tell him so and feed off of the confusion and disgust it would win me. No, not love. More like fascination. There are aspects of human nature that we servants of the gods can never truly comprehend. He doesn't understand that about himself. Although the exterior has changed, he is as human as ever within his heart. But the doubt he carries over that fact, so simple, so obvious to anyone who knows him, refuses to be so easily consoled. I don't understand that at all. Perplexing... A puzzle, Zelgadis. 

Zelgadis. Even the name is mazoku in sound. The others have lighter names, full of gentle l's and soft n's and rolling r's. But Zelgadis. Harsher, hissing on the tongue, clicking between the teeth. Yes, I do like his name. 

What is he is so afraid of? That he is as much a demon within as he believes himself to be without? Not true at all. For all that he has put up the appearance of bandit, of heartless sorcerer-swordsman, it is a lie so blatant I'm surprised he could ever sustain it. Does he believe that it is impossible for him to love, to be loved? That much is untrue, and all he need do to prove it is look at the little princess. She loves him, despite his appearance. And he loves her in return, although the feelings are confused, not fully realized quite yet. 

Were I the type to enjoy gambling, I could entertain myself for hours wondering which pair will break down and admit to mutual love first, Lina and Gourry, or Zelgadis and Amelia. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a mortal's short life. Fascinating... 

The turmoil he puts himself through, when the solution is so blatantly clear. Amelia. And yet he pushes her away, claiming the need to find his cure. Nevermind that none of them care about his appearance, least of all the princess of Seiryuun. No, he directs all of that pent-up self-hatred and despair towards finding a way to return to his human self. 

He's never asked me if I knew a cure. It must have occurred to him; he's certainly intelligent enough. Honor forbids asking a mazoku for help, I suppose. Another concept that is utterly foreign to me. And another sign of his human nature--were he mazoku, such petty details would not concern him. Were he mazoku, he wouldn't even be seeking to return to his human form. 

I don't know a cure, of course. It's possible I could find one. Xellas-sama might well know. I could ask. I won't. Why would I, when his turmoil is so filling? Of course, if he were to return to fully-human flesh, the stone exterior that has saved his life and his companions' lives so many times would be no more. Had he been human, Garv's attack would have incinerated him and Amelia both. Is that what he wants? 

Yes, it would be poetically fitting if, upon returning to human form, he found himself helpless to defend his friends, or his princess. A thought worth entertaining, certainly. 

Yes, it is so much more rewarding traveling with them than remaining in the mazoku realms. There is none of the turmoil in them, none of the despair, the self-recrimination, the confusion. We know what we are, we mazoku. We know, and we delight in it. Pleasure in pain, pain in pleasure, ne? But do I feel affection for them? 

Hm. 

An interesting question. They might hope I do, although Lina and Zelgadis at least know me well enough not to depend on it. Perhaps. They have entertained me so well, after all. I'd rather them alive than dead. Not necessarily a telling point, however, given the darker tendencies of my kind. Life can be so much more painful than a quick relief. Would I wish that for them? 

No, not now. As matters stand, it's much more fun to watch them fumble around each other, blushing and stammering and feeling the same things about each other but being unable to admit it. Of course, were Xellas-sama to command it, they would all be dead, quickly or slowly, depending on the lenience of the order. Yes, mazoku are capable of love and friendship, but self-interest is always the highest priority, and disobeying one of the greater demon lords is never in the best interest of one's health. 

I know that. _They _know that. And yet they act as though they trust me. Such a delicate balance, the games they play. I reflect that back at them, darkness hidden in light, smiling eyes masking secrets they will never fully discover, things that would drive every last one of them to insanity and beyond. The human mind cannot grasp mazoku nature in the same way that we cannot fully understand them. 

Oh, but it does provide such a feast to make the attempt. 


End file.
